I’m starting a new job soon (yes! A real job!), and boy am I feeling that anxiety. Everyone gets those nervous and anxious feelings about any big new step in their life, right? But here I am feeling double the anxiety and nerves, since I’m just a generally anxious person to begin with. All I can think is ‘I really hope I can do this’ and ‘I wonder how long I’m gonna last this time’. Cause let’s face it, I’m a chronic job quitter. Do you know someone like this? Lasts about a few months to maybe a year, then quits and moves on to something else. That’s me. For me, it’s not because the job itself gets difficult. It’s either it gets too monotonous and I get bored with the routine, or I get really fed up with the environment and my coworkers and it starts affecting my mental health.
CW: This post contains detailed discussion and in depth accounts of physical, mental and emotional abuse, and mentions of self-harm and suicide. Please be cautioned.
Oh man. I’ve been thinking a lot about too many things, recently. I feel like that is a thing I say too often. I can never calm this mind. There’s always a thought brewing here, an idea fermenting there, and several dreams and desires frolicking around somewhere. My brain can’t be still. I don’t know what the art of focusing means. The art of avoidance, though? Well, I’ve perfected it. I am the master of distracting myself. I do it so well, that recently, I started learning French instead of facing the things I have to face. Yes folks, I am just straight up learning to speak a new language. And that isn’t something easy, especially for me. I am terrible at learning languages. But here you can see the lengths I will go to, to avoid thinking about something that hurts.
I feel like my thoughts are all over the place. It’s just one of those things about me. Hi, I’m Julie and I’m a completely disorganized, disastrous mess of a person. I do online courses for fun, I start and forget countless DIY projects, I can barely finish anything I write, and I try literally anything to distract myself from real life.
So what’s been bugging me so badly that I’m currently on a quest to become bilingual? Toxic people.
Hey guys! So I’m thinking of starting a vlog channel on YouTube to go alongside this blog as well. It’s gonna be hosted by me and my roommate and I will have a couple guests on (friends, acquaintances, etc), every 2 weeks or so.
We’re mainly gonna be talking about mental health issues, LGBTQIA+ issues, and general philosophy type stuff. I want it to be super conversational, just us chilling on a sofa, doing free talk, kinda thing.
At some point I wanna do an interview type video where I’ll be interviewing my boyfriend (who does not suffer from any mental illnesses), about his experience and challenges he faces about being with me (someone who does suffer from multiple mental illnesses). I would also like others to join in on this. So if you are close with someone who suffers from depression/anxiety/any other mental illness, or you ARE someone who suffers with one or a few of these, please contact me if you don’t mind being on the vlog itself, or you can even send me an email talking about your experience (as having one of these disorders, or as being close to someone who does).
We’ll be sharing these of course, and it’s up to you if you want to be completely anonymous.
If you, as someone who is mentally ill, have any tips for others on how to get through it, or any tips on how to be comforting for those who don’t know what it’s like, please feel free to send me a message!
When I was 3 years old, I started singing and dancing. I was obsessed with music and Indian culture. I was told by many people that I had a ‘natural talent’ for singing. I spent the next 12 years singing in competitions, appearing on television, and starting writing my own songs and thinking about the type of music I wanted to create. Eventually, I was told that these things were “hobbies”, and I needed to focus on a more realistic goal.
Tell me the passwords of your mind.
I need to read your thoughts myself.
I do not trust your words.
Your lips are the greatest liars
I have ever encountered.
“You can’t date till you’re an adult! No boyfriends allowed!”
“You can’t do that in my house! Not under my roof!”
*“Okay, well I’m 21 now, I wanna get my own place!”*
“Move out?? Why do you want to leave??? Do you hate me????”
*finally leaves home at 24 after finishing school, etc*
“You’re 25. Why aren’t you married yet??? When will I get grandkids?”
Do these scenarios sound familiar? If it’s something you’ve experienced, I empathize. I am Indian. From the Caribbean. Specifically, I’m West Indian with East Indian roots. These are my parents. Overprotective, overbearing, strict, traditional, conservative. I have a question for them that I could never ask them. “If I literally just started dating because I was raised so strict, how am I supposed to get married now and have kids?” Now that’s considered being rude. But honestly, what do you expect from me?
Now, this isn’t exactly my situation, and it might only be an exaggerated version of most Caribbean young adults’ actual life and relationship with parents. But why is it someone can look at this and laugh along? What is with parent’s strictness, then overbearing expectations on their children, especially their daughters?